I've Solved the Energy Crisis!
What do methane, body chemistry and sugar-free jelly beans have in common? Well, I believe I have solved the world's energy crisis.
A Casual Car Ride
It all happened yesterday in a casual car ride with my friend Zan to San Francisco to meet with a Scarlett Cougar's potential distributors. She, a lover of all treats sugar-free, extended to me a bag of sugar-free jelly beans. While, I have less of a sweet-tooth, (more of a wine-tooth), I gobbled up that bag like an excited child. As we cruised along, conjuring loose plans for World Domination, and I was recklessly pairing handfuls of random flavors ... because they were SUGAR FREAKING FREE! The perfect loophole, right?
An Amazing Publicist
A few meetings, and a light lunch later, we headed home in the McShaguar and enjoyed a stunning phone conference with her good friend and our potential Publicist, Kirsten in DC.
Kirsten was outstanding, sharing much knowledge of the necessary upcoming PR components - one of which I was already aware, but have resisted.. and that is this: I must blog. I must Vlog. And I must Flog - (Actually, flogging was another conversation I had with Zan... scratch that.) So, here I am blogging to INCREASE my Fan Base, and I offer you this.... The CURE TO THE ENERGY CRISIS.
I do not know the diabolical component these sugar-free jelly beans have in them. But I can tell you this: the amount of gas my body produced in post consumption was likened to Violet in Willy Wonka - except I didn't turn purple. Organically, at the end of the two-hour drive home, I appeared seven (7) months pregnant or at least felt that way. I had a gas baby brewing. Not being one to complain, I just said I was exhausted, and excused myself. WTF was happening to me?
One Step Too Far
I deflated, nervously, at home in bed with my PJs, from 6:30 pm - 12:30 am... That's a remarkable six (6) hours of odor free methane... Yes, odor free! Now, to take it One-Step-Too-Far, I propose this; What IF, when all the research is concluded, and they harness this algorithm for World Saving Methane Jelly Bean Farts... Stay with me; what if they modified them to smelled like the respective Jelly Bean Flavor? Too much? Ok. Well, still Hella uncomfortable, though.
Is my data devoid of clinical benchmarks? Perhaps. But I can tell you the jelly-bean-to-fart-ratio was undeniable. Was there a threat of sharting? Yes. Because of that, I had to cancel an evening out with my besties to nurse our respective wine-tooths. But it was the responsible choice. Plus, there was no room for intake.
Do you think my Mum will Shart when she reads this?
Well, it was all in the spirit of science, Mum.
Happy Mothers Day!