Scarlett Cougar
- May 10, 2017
- 2 min read

#SugarFreeJellyBeanSharts?

I've Solved the Energy Crisis!

What do methane, body chemistry and sugar-free jelly beans have in common? Well, I believe I have solved the world's energy crisis.

A Casual Car Ride

It all happened yesterday in a casual car ride with my friend Zan to San Francisco to meet with a Scarlett Cougar's potential distributors. She, a lover of all treats sugar-free, extended to me a bag of sugar-free jelly beans. While, I have less of a sweet-tooth, (more of a wine-tooth), I gobbled up that bag like an excited child. As we cruised along, conjuring loose plans for World Domination, and I was recklessly pairing handfuls of random flavors ... because they were SUGAR FREAKING FREE! The perfect loophole, right?

An Amazing Publicist

A few meetings, and a light lunch later, we headed home in the McShaguar and enjoyed a stunning phone conference with her good friend and our potential Publicist, Kirsten in DC.

Must Blog

Kirsten was outstanding, sharing much knowledge of the necessary upcoming PR components - one of which I was already aware, but have resisted.. and that is this: I must blog. I must Vlog. And I must Flog - (Actually, flogging was another conversation I had with Zan... scratch that.) So, here I am blogging to INCREASE my Fan Base, and I offer you this.... The CURE TO THE ENERGY CRISIS.

Diabolical Component

I do not know the diabolical component these sugar-free jelly beans have in them. But I can tell you this: the amount of gas my body produced in post consumption was likened to Violet in Willy Wonka - except I didn't turn purple. Organically, at the end of the two-hour drive home, I appeared seven (7) months pregnant or at least felt that way. I had a gas baby brewing. Not being one to complain, I just said I was exhausted, and excused myself. WTF was happening to me?

One Step Too Far

I deflated, nervously, at home in bed with my PJs, from 6:30 pm - 12:30 am... That's a remarkable six (6) hours of odor free methane... Yes, odor free! Now, to take it One-Step-Too-Far, I propose this; What IF, when all the research is concluded, and they harness this algorithm for World Saving Methane Jelly Bean Farts... Stay with me; what if they modified them to smelled like the respective Jelly Bean Flavor? Too much? Ok. Well, still Hella uncomfortable, though.

Jelly-Bean-to-Fart Ratio

Is my data devoid of clinical benchmarks? Perhaps. But I can tell you the jelly-bean-to-fart-ratio was undeniable. Was there a threat of sharting? Yes. Because of that, I had to cancel an evening out with my besties to nurse our respective wine-tooths. But it was the responsible choice. Plus, there was no room for intake.